No looking forward to go home

Normally, I would get all excited to go home, but not this time. I'm going to see my best friend after more than a year of not seeing each other, but will she has time to hang out? I am going to see my family, but will mum has time for me? I'm going to see my other friends, but SIGH....... I don't know what Im going to do there-.-

Stranger again

Sometimes, it's better if you're back to being a total stranger again rather than to stick to whatever type of relationship that you have no idea where you stand, while your friends, for example, got a secure place in your mind. It's also better to go back to being strangers if they hold negative perceptions about you. It's better this way, if it hurts. It's better to be a stranger if you actually try so hard just to keep in touch until you feel like you're the only one who try.. well sometimes, I don't even know why I have to google what my friend like and learn about those things just so I can have something to talk with her. It's too tiring. No matter how those memories are still beautiful, I couldn't see myself being in this position anymore.

am I getting old or is it just not the right person?

Let me just get straight to the point. I have never actually been a fan of "online chatting" and most of my friends know I hate typing, so we usually just talk most of the time. Yet, I didn't really mind chatting with people I don't actually know just to get to know each other even not in a really sincere friendly way ( well you know what I mean). Though, I have never dated anyone or been in a relationship before, but that doesn't mean I don't open myself to get to know each other, and sometimes I kinda enjoy that as well because even those people have never actually clicked, but most of them have become my friends instead. Not until recently, that I have grown to actually get sick of chatting with people I'm not very close to, and I guess I appear to be not so friendly to them. And it's always times like this that I wish I had a boyfriend, so people will not come to chat to me in that type of way. Like some of them might not have that type of feeling toward me, but you know some people who won't chat to you if you are not single even they don't have any intention to take another step with you? they might think your are busy with your lover, or I don't know maybe if you're already taken it means most of your time are taken as well ( That's what I think they might think). Some people are so polite and actually are very considerate or at least they try to show that they care if you feel uncomfortable talking to them. But, there are some people who are annoyingly SELFISH. Yeah Selfish, they are. They demand to get your reply and seem to be bothering you every morning, afternoon, evening, and night. LIKE CAN'T THEY HAVE A LITTLE MANNER? It's frustrating me as I can't seem to be very honest with them that I am annoyed since they are not happen to be in the same age range. And that is more frustrating when you actually expect those ELDER PEOPLE to understand your indirect message that your don't want to talk to them, but they seem to not give a damn about it. Maybe I'm getting old and I don't enjoy this kind of getting to know each other chat anymore, or simply because they are just too annoying. Either way, I wish I had a boyfriend now so this kind of situation won't happen again. I'm sick of this.

A single child, well not really!

So I am usually known as a single child, but all of my friends, family (of course), and those who asked would know I've got a baby sister from my dad side. Actually, it is something I want everyone to know even though I kinda hate the fact that people will ask " are you guys still keep in touch? " once they find out about her. Well, not that it's something to be hiding, but to me it's such a shame that we could no longer see each other as sisters, and worse than that it's such a shame that I couldn't grant my dad's last wish to look after or at least to help guiding her as other elder sister does. I'm not trying to sound like the best sister, but if you have a sibling, you would understand why do I care. Even we have never lived together, she was the sister I had been waiting for ten years; she has always been the special little sister that every time I think of her I become so weak and all emotional. I don't know if those with younger brother or sister would feel the same, but she's too precious to me. This kid was born in the time I was so confused with life, the time when I had to choose between living with dad or mom. She was one of the reasons I chose mom, but that wasn't because I was jealous or anything. I thought mum didn't have anyone else, but me, and dad would have the little one to be on his side, so I thought it was the right choice to move in with mom for good. My sister wasn't the type of kid who was cheerful and naughty, she was totally different. Her innocent face is always there in my memory, I somehow feel like yesterday thinking about her. She didn't talk much, dad was quite frustrated with that as he always wanted his kids to be brave and confident, my sister was just different. Many times I had a talk with dad, he always reminded me of how difference my sister and I were, and I had no idea why he kept telling me to love her and be her role model, because I'm sure I had never shown any sign of dislike toward her, but love and care. She might not as smart as other kids around her age, but because she's my only sister, she's the cutest among them all. She was kinda scared of me, though. Maybe it was because we only met once in awhile. I lived with her for a few months when dad was seriously sick, and she was still scared even she got a little more comfortable around me and was dare to play and hug me. I thought we could be good sisters, I thought I could witness her growing up, and be there for her when she needed me, but thing would never be as I wanted it to be. After dad passed away, she moved to live pretty far from town, and I visited her twice before her mum got married again. I had nothing against her marriage, except it was a little fast. I tried to keep in touch through phone calls, but I never got a chance to talk to my sister because of the same old reason that she was too shy to talk. Judge me if you want, but I don't trust her mom anymore. I don't think my sister is raised in an ideal way. I don't think my sister is sent to a good school. I don't think my sister lives in a good environment, I don't think she gets what she deserves. The last time I call her was before I came to Australia, and that might be the really LAST time. It was so unexpected that her mother finally told me that as a mother she wouldn't allow her to see me. It broke my heart, how someone I considered a good person could change that much. I had always respected her as a step mother and I believe our relationship was always in a good term. I don't know what she was trying to hide, but why would she have to stop us from seeing each other? Last night, I saw my sister in my dream. I guess that is the only place we can meet now. Not that I'm superstitious, but it was a really bad dream, and the fact that I couldn't even call to check if she is fine is killing me. I just wish she will grow up well, and for as long as it will be until we encounter again, please remember your elder sister. I love you and one day I'll tell you in person how much I care.

Mother love

I don't really think I will be blogging this often, but this MV inspired me and I feel like I have to write something about it. I have always been interested in writing about parent-children love simply because I personally think it is the biggest, purest, and strongest love ever exist. This Thai MV "How could you ask?" refers to a situation when someone who literally left you asked if it hurts. The MV illustrated the life of a woman who was married and because of her own family reason she took her mother to eldercare, so that she could have more time taking care of her husband and a daughter. For there's nothing stable in this life, one day she broke up with her husband, and that was when she realized how it feels like to be abandoned and thought about how hard it must be for her mum to be living in the aged care. I love how this mv perfectly conveyed the feeling of the girl who was both hurt from her unsuccessful marriage and regret for what she did to her mum, and how it showed the loneliness of aged people's lives. This is really a must see MV and this whole short story got me thinking that "a mother can always take a good care and raise a few children with love, but a few children might not be able to look after one mother well".

So tell me why

Many questions have been running through my mind in the night like this, the night when I am surrounded by people who should be called friends, but to me they are nothing more than acquaintances, and I don't think I am more than that to them, too. Tell me why I have to live by ignoring all the problems happening to my life! Tell me why I have to act like nothing happen, ignoring the fact that my life is nothing but a mystery! Tell me why all the shits that happen to my family can't be solved! And tell me why I can't seem to see the exit door! It's hard to live shouldering all of these by myself. I wish I could share it all with someone, but it is just sad that I can't even tell mum how much I hate our family's situation and that I can't even tell one of my best friends how big the problem is. Maybe one day, I will have the courage to tell just one person and let that someone help shouldering my problem. Until that time, tell me why I have to live like this.